I've got stable wi-fi for now, so on with my tale!
I will spare you the details of the remaining 15 battles that made up the War To Get To The Roof, as you can go back and read the last few paragraphs of my last post, while changing a few words here and there, and get the general idea of it all.
So us five funky boxers, led by Plague Doctor, made it to the roof of the hospital. Plague Doctor turned towards us.
"Aaaak! Funky boxers! I've called a crew to pump up around down and save you! We must hold off against the bird bash!"
"Hold off against what?"
And then suddenly the Convocation began to tear up through the roof, beneath our feet. Woodpeckers, pigeons, pelicans, falcons, hawks, macaws, and birds of all sort were rising into the sky above us. They directed their birdy gaze at one person. Me. Plague Doctor wouldn't allow this, however.
"Aaaawk! Pick on a rabbit your own twist, and drop down the ratch hammer some penguins down to the bottle factory! Don't be a mouse in a field of crowns!"
"What?"
"LET'S DAAAAANCE!"
And so Plague Doctor launched himself into the air with his cane, and spun it around, firing out bullet after bullet of pure snake at the birds. It was almost as if the air became solid beneath his feet, as he continued to do triple flips and bounce around, slicing down Convocation left and right! Plague Doctor had the attention of all of them. But where was our rescue?
Suddenly, a pair of feathery arms wrapped around me, and I was lifted into the air. But this wasn't a member of the Convocation, for he had a calming presence. I looked up, and was greeted by someone that seemed to be either a human or a bird, and if he was a bird, he was an ambiguous species of bird.
"Mr. Bird Sir, stop it! You've got to save the others!"
And so Mr. Bird Sir turned around and we flew towards the burning hospital. It must have been burning from the sheer power of Plague Doctor's blows against the birds. Or the lightning. Probably both. A valley of dead bird corpses rested on the roof of the hospital, but even more birds surrounded Plague Doctor, who was dancing in the sky, while also shooting snake bullets out of his cane. As we approached the building, Mr. Bird Sir started slowing down, because we noticed the Convocation was starting to glow blue. All of the birds exploded into a giant explosion of lightning, and I could see Plague Doctor look at me, a single tear rolling off of his beak, before the lightning vaporized the entire hospital.
It hurts to think about Plague Doctor's sacrifice. Also Boss, and the other poor workers who perished. But I like to think they are fighting birds in a better place.
I'll update about my current position later.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Escape From Spooky Hospital
Yesterday, Plague Doctor entered our hospital room, with a large bag of fritos in hand. Somehow, his bird mask seemed very sad. I decided to ask why.
"What's wrong, Mr. Plague Doctor Sir?"
"This funky ass bird jam isn't all what it's crackered up to be, boxer. You are the funkiest dancer down off split street, and I can't even let you fly up to watch the babble nest with the lizards! But you've earned it, Funky Franky! Tonight, we will know why the singing bird will no longer need to be caged! You fly free, sassy boxer!"
And so Plague Doctor did a triple flip out into the hallway, popping his cane out of his coat, and began to escort us through the halls of his hospital. I thought this was all good, because it was HIS hospital, right? But suddenly, some Oathbreakerz stopped us at an elevator. The Plague Doctor squawked at them.
"Aaaaawk! The boxers are with me, sticky pigeons! Step to the sides, and let us float on up the spice rack!"
But instead of letting us float up the spice rack, the Oathbreakerz pulled off their masks, and a swarm of lightning woodpeckers flew out of their mouths! Plague Doctor spun his cane around and then a cloud of snakes slithered out from the tip of it, and gobbled up the birds! Yes, a CLOUD of snakes! It was amazing! The snakes ate up ALL the birds, and then evaporated! So we decided that it would be more dramatic to go up the stairs, and ran past the elevator after all! Plague Doctor tossed us some miniature canes and shrieked, pointing towards the staircase.
"Aaaak! To the roof, my funky boxers! Show these birds which way Tuesday tastes, and make them feel the spice, real slow!"
A swarm of Oathbreakerz ran towards us, and Plague Doctor pole vaulted over them with his cane, shooting out snake rays as he flew over, in slow motion, and each snake met it's mark perfectly. Their fangs sunk in to individual Oathbreakerz, who then evaporated in agony. We ran to the stairs, and there were even more Oathbreakerz, so we started doing flips, and wall jumping, knocking them over the head with our canes! An Oathbreaker captain, with a falcon on his shoulder, charged into the stairwell and began to beat us with falcon feathers, but we shot fire out of our canes, and burned both of them to a crisp. Out of their corpses burst woodpeckers, and they began to peck at our canes, so we chopped them with our battle axes, that Plague Doctor summoned from his cane, and they were made from snakes! We chopped up those woodpeckers good, and then out of the woodpeckers, came pelicans, which we had to rip wires out of the walls, and we electrified them! But their bills were carrying fish, which he had to crush with our bare feet!
It was truly an epic battle, but it wasn't over yet! Because ahead of us, were 15 more hallways, 15 more staircases, and 15 more captains!
I think I'm about to lose wi-fi, so I will continue my tale later!
"What's wrong, Mr. Plague Doctor Sir?"
"This funky ass bird jam isn't all what it's crackered up to be, boxer. You are the funkiest dancer down off split street, and I can't even let you fly up to watch the babble nest with the lizards! But you've earned it, Funky Franky! Tonight, we will know why the singing bird will no longer need to be caged! You fly free, sassy boxer!"
And so Plague Doctor did a triple flip out into the hallway, popping his cane out of his coat, and began to escort us through the halls of his hospital. I thought this was all good, because it was HIS hospital, right? But suddenly, some Oathbreakerz stopped us at an elevator. The Plague Doctor squawked at them.
"Aaaaawk! The boxers are with me, sticky pigeons! Step to the sides, and let us float on up the spice rack!"
But instead of letting us float up the spice rack, the Oathbreakerz pulled off their masks, and a swarm of lightning woodpeckers flew out of their mouths! Plague Doctor spun his cane around and then a cloud of snakes slithered out from the tip of it, and gobbled up the birds! Yes, a CLOUD of snakes! It was amazing! The snakes ate up ALL the birds, and then evaporated! So we decided that it would be more dramatic to go up the stairs, and ran past the elevator after all! Plague Doctor tossed us some miniature canes and shrieked, pointing towards the staircase.
"Aaaak! To the roof, my funky boxers! Show these birds which way Tuesday tastes, and make them feel the spice, real slow!"
A swarm of Oathbreakerz ran towards us, and Plague Doctor pole vaulted over them with his cane, shooting out snake rays as he flew over, in slow motion, and each snake met it's mark perfectly. Their fangs sunk in to individual Oathbreakerz, who then evaporated in agony. We ran to the stairs, and there were even more Oathbreakerz, so we started doing flips, and wall jumping, knocking them over the head with our canes! An Oathbreaker captain, with a falcon on his shoulder, charged into the stairwell and began to beat us with falcon feathers, but we shot fire out of our canes, and burned both of them to a crisp. Out of their corpses burst woodpeckers, and they began to peck at our canes, so we chopped them with our battle axes, that Plague Doctor summoned from his cane, and they were made from snakes! We chopped up those woodpeckers good, and then out of the woodpeckers, came pelicans, which we had to rip wires out of the walls, and we electrified them! But their bills were carrying fish, which he had to crush with our bare feet!
It was truly an epic battle, but it wasn't over yet! Because ahead of us, were 15 more hallways, 15 more staircases, and 15 more captains!
I think I'm about to lose wi-fi, so I will continue my tale later!
Friday, December 21, 2012
Captured
They were on to our plan the entire time. Once the delivery guy handed over the box containing us, an Oathbreaker taped it securely shut. We woke up in a hospital room, locked from...the outside, SOMEHOW.
The Oathbreakerz provided us with a way out though. They said that I could duel their boss. My Boss said that we should just wait for HIS boss to show up, or one of his proxles. Whatever a proxle is. I didn't want to miss the end of the world, so I went with the duel.
The Oathbreakerz escorted me through a hidden hallway near the back of the hospital, and into...a club? I think that's the best way to describe it. There were crazy lights and music playing, lots of Oathbreakerz and birds, dancing around and drinking. On the opposite side of the room was a throne, with a man that I came to find out was The Plague Doctor. He had a long bird mask, and a black fuzzy pimp coat and hat, with a cane to match. Plague Doctor was talking to a really big bird on his shoulder, and then they saw me. The Plague Doctor shrieked.
"Aaaak! You bring this funky boxer to my rodeo ring, and set him loose upon the floor? I bet he can't even throw a beat up and down with those monkey hatchets!"
"Mr. Plague Doctor, I can throw a beat wherever I want, I will have you know!"
"Aaak! This crazy boxer has got some funky sass in his juice! But you smashed up into my palace, wanting to drop a dragon rock down on my boys! I won't let you run off with the crickets after that, boxer! So show me what you can do, and drop the house onto the hippopotamus stew!"
"What?"
"LET'S DAAANCE!"
I tried to turn on my flashlight so I could bust out of there, but it didn't work. A light didn't even come on. The Plague Doctor laughed.
"Haaak! You think you can switch your blade on the funky pelican? This is a palace of BRICK! Your boxer tricks will have no use here. So again I say, drop the wallaby and let the spices flow!"
"What?"
"LET'S DAAANCE!"
And so we danced the night away. Did I ever mention that I was an aspiring dancer, at one point? The entire club thought it was crazy, watching me match Plague Doctor on the floor, and Plague Doctor himself was surprised. We danced until the sun was coming up, and he shrieked at me.
"Aaak! I feel I have met an equal lamp post in the game of spice drop. You are truly a foe as formidable as the walrus slicer of 72!"
The large bird that was on his shoulder glared at him from the throne, and the Plague Doctor hung his head, before turning back to me.
"But I'm afraid I can't let you go, Frankie! Back to the hog pen with you!'
And so I'm back in the hospital room. Plague Doctor didn't seem too happy about putting me back here. I think he was trying to impress that bird. So now, we've got to come up with a new plan to get out of here. Or maybe Boss's boss will show up.
Plague Doctor was nice enough to give me a laptop as a prize for doing so well, though. That's how I'm blogging. I wish he gave me fritos though, I'm starving...
The Oathbreakerz provided us with a way out though. They said that I could duel their boss. My Boss said that we should just wait for HIS boss to show up, or one of his proxles. Whatever a proxle is. I didn't want to miss the end of the world, so I went with the duel.
The Oathbreakerz escorted me through a hidden hallway near the back of the hospital, and into...a club? I think that's the best way to describe it. There were crazy lights and music playing, lots of Oathbreakerz and birds, dancing around and drinking. On the opposite side of the room was a throne, with a man that I came to find out was The Plague Doctor. He had a long bird mask, and a black fuzzy pimp coat and hat, with a cane to match. Plague Doctor was talking to a really big bird on his shoulder, and then they saw me. The Plague Doctor shrieked.
"Aaaak! You bring this funky boxer to my rodeo ring, and set him loose upon the floor? I bet he can't even throw a beat up and down with those monkey hatchets!"
"Mr. Plague Doctor, I can throw a beat wherever I want, I will have you know!"
"Aaak! This crazy boxer has got some funky sass in his juice! But you smashed up into my palace, wanting to drop a dragon rock down on my boys! I won't let you run off with the crickets after that, boxer! So show me what you can do, and drop the house onto the hippopotamus stew!"
"What?"
"LET'S DAAANCE!"
I tried to turn on my flashlight so I could bust out of there, but it didn't work. A light didn't even come on. The Plague Doctor laughed.
"Haaak! You think you can switch your blade on the funky pelican? This is a palace of BRICK! Your boxer tricks will have no use here. So again I say, drop the wallaby and let the spices flow!"
"What?"
"LET'S DAAANCE!"
And so we danced the night away. Did I ever mention that I was an aspiring dancer, at one point? The entire club thought it was crazy, watching me match Plague Doctor on the floor, and Plague Doctor himself was surprised. We danced until the sun was coming up, and he shrieked at me.
"Aaak! I feel I have met an equal lamp post in the game of spice drop. You are truly a foe as formidable as the walrus slicer of 72!"
The large bird that was on his shoulder glared at him from the throne, and the Plague Doctor hung his head, before turning back to me.
"But I'm afraid I can't let you go, Frankie! Back to the hog pen with you!'
And so I'm back in the hospital room. Plague Doctor didn't seem too happy about putting me back here. I think he was trying to impress that bird. So now, we've got to come up with a new plan to get out of here. Or maybe Boss's boss will show up.
Plague Doctor was nice enough to give me a laptop as a prize for doing so well, though. That's how I'm blogging. I wish he gave me fritos though, I'm starving...
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Hospital Raid
Last night pretty much went like a normal night, other than my boss thanking me for the good job I did the night before. But tonight, boss has a special assignment for me!
A bunch of the employees of the warehouse have stayed after for this. We're going to strike back at the Oathbreakerz! We've got our own spray paint, and our own boombox, and everything! We're going to have someone disguised as a delivery man to carry us in, in a box, and then we will pop out! We all have to wear these boxes on our heads with faces painted on, but that's cool. It represents the Box Warehouse, I guess. Boss says that the Oathbreakerz are trying to form an alliance with this thing called the Convocation, which I think are the lightning woodpeckers, and their breaking into our warehouse was part of that. Our goal tonight is to find a way to sabotage their alliance.
I asked him why they were trying to form an alliance with birds, but he said that it was all far too complicated to explain right now, but he might tell me if tonight goes well. My theory is that they want to make an alliance because they are LIGHTNING birds, and that's pretty neato.
A bunch of the employees of the warehouse have stayed after for this. We're going to strike back at the Oathbreakerz! We've got our own spray paint, and our own boombox, and everything! We're going to have someone disguised as a delivery man to carry us in, in a box, and then we will pop out! We all have to wear these boxes on our heads with faces painted on, but that's cool. It represents the Box Warehouse, I guess. Boss says that the Oathbreakerz are trying to form an alliance with this thing called the Convocation, which I think are the lightning woodpeckers, and their breaking into our warehouse was part of that. Our goal tonight is to find a way to sabotage their alliance.
I asked him why they were trying to form an alliance with birds, but he said that it was all far too complicated to explain right now, but he might tell me if tonight goes well. My theory is that they want to make an alliance because they are LIGHTNING birds, and that's pretty neato.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Unga Bunga
I went to go investigate the noise, shiny new flash light in my hand. I crept slowly around a shelf containing boxes, to see before me, Mr. Health Inspector Sir, standing in front of the back door, which was wide open. A gang of doctors was swarming in through the door with birds on their shoulders. One of the doctors had a boom box, and was blasting Unga Bunga Bunga by Flavor Flav. The doctors were jumping around, dancing, making cawing sounds, and flapping their arms like wings. This was pretty freaky, so I decided to watch to see what they were going to do.
The doctors were starting to kick down boxes, and some of them sprayed graffiti on the walls. Graffiti such as:
OATHBREAKERZ
WHO'S AFRAID OF THE BIG BAD BOX?
UNGA BUNGA
THE BIRD ALLIANCE
PLAGUE DOCTOR 4 LYFE
It was at this pooint, that I knew that I needed to take action to prevent further damage to this wonderful building.
"Excuse me! Mr. Health Inspectors Sirs? Could you please not be doing that? It's not very nice."
They just started cawing at me, and laughing. This was when I got a chance to read some graffiti.
"Oathbreakerz? So you're doctors who have, broken the Hippocratic Oath? That's not cool, guys. Could you please leave?
They did not respond kindly to that last part, not even a little. A group of them charged at me. As they took off after me, the boxes on the floor started to slide around aggressively. I'm not sure why the boxes started doing that, but it almost felt like they were protecting me. The Oathbreakerz tripped over the boxes, and I was able to escape.
But eventually, my luck ran out. The boxes that had tripped the Oathbreakerz didn't seem to be able to repeat that trick, and were instead bumping into the walls over and over again. A group of the Oathbreakerz reached me, and so I reacted with savage animal instinct. I pulled out the flash light to shine it in their eyes.
But a light didn't come out. Rather, a big metal stick did, that whacked one of them in the head. That was neat. I could feel more buttons rising out of the flashlight, and poking my hand. I clicked a blue one, and the stick was coated in electricity. That was badass.
I swung the stick around at the Oathbreakerz, and electrocuted each and every one of them. Piece of cake. The remaining Oathbreakerz all charged at me together. I needed something more than an electric stick, so I clicked the green button, and the stick turned into a giant tree. They were almost to me. I grinned, because I had the best one liner ever.
"This one's from Hippocrates, bitches!"
I began to beat them all into the ground with my tree. They were trying to come at me with syringes, but in the game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors, Shoot!" tree ALWAYS beats needle. It's like Batman versus the Joker. I always win.
Sadly, I had forgotten something very important! The birds! I had forgotten, they were all woodpeckers! The woodpeckers started tearing my tree apart, so I rapidly hit another button at random. The tree turned into a lion! The lion ate those pesky woodpeckers, but then he started to turn blue! I forgot they were LIGHTNING woodpeckers! My lion began to vomit lightning, which I carefully directed at the Oathbreakerz, taking down ALL of them. Well, all but one. Which was perfect.
I pressed the black button, changing my flashlight back to a normal flashlight. The final conscious Oathbreaker looked up at me, with nothing but fear in his eyes. He asked me a question.
"What the hell ARE you?"
I looked down at him, raised my flashlight, and grinned.
"I'm the Night Guard."
I knocked him out with the flashlight, and went to go get some fritos. I wasn't sure what to do with the unconscious bodies (YES, unconscious! I used just enough force to incapacitate, but not kill. Like Batman.), so I left them for the day crew to clean up.
This is the best job ever.
The doctors were starting to kick down boxes, and some of them sprayed graffiti on the walls. Graffiti such as:
OATHBREAKERZ
WHO'S AFRAID OF THE BIG BAD BOX?
UNGA BUNGA
THE BIRD ALLIANCE
PLAGUE DOCTOR 4 LYFE
It was at this pooint, that I knew that I needed to take action to prevent further damage to this wonderful building.
"Excuse me! Mr. Health Inspectors Sirs? Could you please not be doing that? It's not very nice."
They just started cawing at me, and laughing. This was when I got a chance to read some graffiti.
"Oathbreakerz? So you're doctors who have, broken the Hippocratic Oath? That's not cool, guys. Could you please leave?
They did not respond kindly to that last part, not even a little. A group of them charged at me. As they took off after me, the boxes on the floor started to slide around aggressively. I'm not sure why the boxes started doing that, but it almost felt like they were protecting me. The Oathbreakerz tripped over the boxes, and I was able to escape.
But eventually, my luck ran out. The boxes that had tripped the Oathbreakerz didn't seem to be able to repeat that trick, and were instead bumping into the walls over and over again. A group of the Oathbreakerz reached me, and so I reacted with savage animal instinct. I pulled out the flash light to shine it in their eyes.
But a light didn't come out. Rather, a big metal stick did, that whacked one of them in the head. That was neat. I could feel more buttons rising out of the flashlight, and poking my hand. I clicked a blue one, and the stick was coated in electricity. That was badass.
I swung the stick around at the Oathbreakerz, and electrocuted each and every one of them. Piece of cake. The remaining Oathbreakerz all charged at me together. I needed something more than an electric stick, so I clicked the green button, and the stick turned into a giant tree. They were almost to me. I grinned, because I had the best one liner ever.
"This one's from Hippocrates, bitches!"
I began to beat them all into the ground with my tree. They were trying to come at me with syringes, but in the game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors, Shoot!" tree ALWAYS beats needle. It's like Batman versus the Joker. I always win.
Sadly, I had forgotten something very important! The birds! I had forgotten, they were all woodpeckers! The woodpeckers started tearing my tree apart, so I rapidly hit another button at random. The tree turned into a lion! The lion ate those pesky woodpeckers, but then he started to turn blue! I forgot they were LIGHTNING woodpeckers! My lion began to vomit lightning, which I carefully directed at the Oathbreakerz, taking down ALL of them. Well, all but one. Which was perfect.
I pressed the black button, changing my flashlight back to a normal flashlight. The final conscious Oathbreaker looked up at me, with nothing but fear in his eyes. He asked me a question.
"What the hell ARE you?"
I looked down at him, raised my flashlight, and grinned.
"I'm the Night Guard."
I knocked him out with the flashlight, and went to go get some fritos. I wasn't sure what to do with the unconscious bodies (YES, unconscious! I used just enough force to incapacitate, but not kill. Like Batman.), so I left them for the day crew to clean up.
This is the best job ever.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Health Inspector
The health inspector showed up. I am so sorry boss.
Health Inspector is a little short guy, dressed more like a doctor than an official, like I said. But I guess it kind of makes sense to have an actual doctor looking for health hazards?
I walked outside and greeted him.
"Can I help you, sir?"
"Yes, hello! Frank, I presume? I'm here for your regularly scheduled inspection?"
"I'm sorry, Mr. Health Inspector Sir, but we're closed. Can you please come back in the morning?"
"I'm afraid not! My report is due tomorrow, and if you don't let me in, right this second, I will have no choice but to fail you. Then, the government will have to shut it down for health and safety violations. They will claim the building as this own, and if you aren't fired, then you will be getting government pay. I understand your boss is a generous man. Do you know what government pay for someone like you is?"
"Uh, right this way, sir."
I had to let him in, you see, boss? This whole place could get shut down if I didn't. I saved us. He's off wandering around the warehouse now. I was going to follow him around, but he told me that I would mess up his "Healthy Inspecting Mojo". I can respect that, I'm not one to step on other people's beliefs.
Um. I just heard a really weird sound from out in the warehouse. I'm gonna go see if Mr. Health Inspector Sir is okay. I should grab my new flash light!
Health Inspector is a little short guy, dressed more like a doctor than an official, like I said. But I guess it kind of makes sense to have an actual doctor looking for health hazards?
I walked outside and greeted him.
"Can I help you, sir?"
"Yes, hello! Frank, I presume? I'm here for your regularly scheduled inspection?"
"I'm sorry, Mr. Health Inspector Sir, but we're closed. Can you please come back in the morning?"
"I'm afraid not! My report is due tomorrow, and if you don't let me in, right this second, I will have no choice but to fail you. Then, the government will have to shut it down for health and safety violations. They will claim the building as this own, and if you aren't fired, then you will be getting government pay. I understand your boss is a generous man. Do you know what government pay for someone like you is?"
"Uh, right this way, sir."
I had to let him in, you see, boss? This whole place could get shut down if I didn't. I saved us. He's off wandering around the warehouse now. I was going to follow him around, but he told me that I would mess up his "Healthy Inspecting Mojo". I can respect that, I'm not one to step on other people's beliefs.
Um. I just heard a really weird sound from out in the warehouse. I'm gonna go see if Mr. Health Inspector Sir is okay. I should grab my new flash light!
Flash Light
I talked to my boss when I came in about that prank call. I asked if the hospital usually does that.
"Frankie, I'm going to need you to be on the lookout tonight. You might be getting a visit from a health inspector, but don't let him in, under any circumstances. Tell him that we are closed, and to come back in the morning. Do you understand?"
"Yes sir, boss. I get it, but what does that have to do with the call?"
"Everything, Frankie. I'm giving you a new flash light. I'll put it in your locker."
And then Boss left. He's a pretty strange fellow, but he pays very generously, so I really can't complain. I wonder why he's giving me a new flashlight, I think my current one is about as flashy and lighty as flash lights get. Good for banging on the vending machine in aggravation when it eats my dollar. Speaking of vending machines, I'm going to have to ask boss to stock it with more fritos.
Uh. Someone is outside. Is that the health inspector? He looks more like a doctor though, and I thought that health inspectors were more....governmenty. Oh well. Gotta go shoo him off.
"Frankie, I'm going to need you to be on the lookout tonight. You might be getting a visit from a health inspector, but don't let him in, under any circumstances. Tell him that we are closed, and to come back in the morning. Do you understand?"
"Yes sir, boss. I get it, but what does that have to do with the call?"
"Everything, Frankie. I'm giving you a new flash light. I'll put it in your locker."
And then Boss left. He's a pretty strange fellow, but he pays very generously, so I really can't complain. I wonder why he's giving me a new flashlight, I think my current one is about as flashy and lighty as flash lights get. Good for banging on the vending machine in aggravation when it eats my dollar. Speaking of vending machines, I'm going to have to ask boss to stock it with more fritos.
Uh. Someone is outside. Is that the health inspector? He looks more like a doctor though, and I thought that health inspectors were more....governmenty. Oh well. Gotta go shoo him off.
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